i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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