My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
