just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize