I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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