she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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