I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
