if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
