Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
