dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
