scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
