I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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