Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
