I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
