My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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