best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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