no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
