Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
