Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
