People in love make me want to vomit
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
