I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
