There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
