Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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