honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
