I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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