hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
