just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
