what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
