My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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