Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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