even my farts smell like vagina
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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