We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
