Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
