i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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