Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Your cock deserves a montage
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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