Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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