I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
