I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
