birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
