Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
