ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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