Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
