so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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