youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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