I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
