I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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