As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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