just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
