it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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