my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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