i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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