in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
