there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
