I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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