I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize