I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
