If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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