One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This baby is an asshole
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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