I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
